I apologize

So sorry to all of my friends on Opera. I have been neglecting my blogging duties. My computer has been unplugged off and on because of the flooring issue and moving things around. BUT….something else has come up.

Besides being busy and thoroughly exhausted from the flooring chores, I have also been packing. Yes…..packing. This just started a few days ago upon returning from Fargo. Yes, I was there again to see my daughter, her husband and my granddaughter. On the plane trip home, I kept thinking, I don't want to keep leaving them.

It is hard for me to believe….but I have made the decision to move to North Dakota. The next few months will be extremely busy for me with meetings, packing, cleaning, throwing out, etc.

With the housing market the way it is in Arizona, I may find it impossible to sell my house, unless I take a big loss. In the next few days, I will be talking to real estate agents, lenders and all the other people with regard to this. I've thought of renting my house but that would be difficult being so far away. I know many people do this, but I don't know if it would be ideal for me.

The problem is that there are four houses for sale on my block alone, two of them right across the street from my house. There are two houses for rent, one of them already rented. The rental is kitty cornered across the street. One of the houses for sale across the street was owned by my dear old neighbors, Emil and Louise, who were both 92. Louise had been in a care facility for a couple of months and finally, Emil decided he no longer wanted to be in the house by himself and moved into the assisted living place with his wife. It was very sad to see them go.

My decision to move is a big one and I am scared. Why….I'm not sure. This will be a huge change for me. I've been in Arizona all of my life….well….since 1950….when my mom and dad moved here and I was 2 and a half. And now, at 61, I'm leaving my beloved state.

I'm a bit of a loner and have only two good friends who I see only twice a year…..if I'm lucky. One of them will be moving to Montreal by year end. The other one lives 200 miles away and, I think, has the beginnings of dementia or something because she rarely answers her phone or returns phone calls. She does not use a computer so that is out of the question. Losing these friends will be a loss because I doubt very much they would come to visit me. The one in Montreal, I'd be able to go see her and her family. My son and his wife live here as do my sister and brother and his wife. So, I do have ties here but the ties to ND have become so much stronger. I cannot stay away.

The winters in North Dakota had so far deterred me from even considering moving there but…..it's not like I'm going to be living in an igloo or anything. I know I can do this. I am going to do this.

I know if I stay here, for whatever reason….loneliness, boredom, anxiety, etc…..I will start smoking again. It was a month on the 8th of June that I quit. Another week has passed and I finally can say I feel better. It took that long to be able to say I actually felt better. BUT I still have very strong cravings. Being here in Arizona, in this heat, in the house alone, doing everything alone, gets tiresome, boring. I don't like it anymore. I need to be around people. I need a slower paced atmosphere, less traffic, less heat. I need a change.

I am ready.

This old photo from 1951 is of me on the new swing set we got for Christmas I think. I was about 3 and a half here. My brother was born a couple of weeks later in early January, 1952. This photo, to me, is a little sad for some reason and is appropriate for how I feel right now. I am surrounded by all that is important to me….all my stuff……but I am alone.

About pam

I am retired from real 9 to 5 jobs. I do my artwork and occasionally write poetry. In September 2010, I moved to Fargo, ND after spending 60 years in Phoenix, Arizona. Now, five years later, July 2015, I'm back in Arizona. And yes, I love the heat!
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

95 Responses to I apologize

  1. gdare says:

    Every person feels the urge for a change sometimes but not all of them are ready (and brave) to make the change. The one you are going to make is big but from your point of view, is needed. So, you are ready.Then go for it :yes:

  2. derWandersmann says:

    Make sure you take your computer with you!

  3. SittingFox says:

    Pam, respect to you for knowing the change that you want to make – and then carrying it out :up: I hope all the preparation and buying / selling business goes smoothly, and looking forward to hearing about your new home! πŸ™‚

  4. PainterWoman says:

    Darko: Ah yes….being brave is important. I am to a point. But every time I go in my back yard and see my Starry Night mural I think "how can I leave it?". But then….I can do another one can't I?dW: Definitely, I will bring my computer!Deb: I think it is the right decision too. I've always missed seeing my daughters more. Suzy, who is in Chicago, will be closer too. I know for certain she will be visiting Fargo more now that she is an auntie.Lois: I may even be taking over caring for Mia while my daughter is working. She and I went to several child care places during my last visit because she wanted my opinion. This is something I knew I wanted and would do if I ever had grandkids. AND, If I end up with a long driveway, I'd get one of those small riding snow blowers. They look like fun.Adele: I, too, hope the buying/selling business goes smoothly. Arizona is crazy right now. First, houses sky rocketed to the point of ridiculous but now they have dropped to 1960 prices and people end up with huge losses. We shall see what the realtors/bankers say when I talk to them.

  5. PainterWoman says:

    Originally posted by I_ArtMan:

    maybe you can find someone in north dakota who will trade houses

    Scott: I hadn't even thought of that. Something to look into.

  6. debplatt says:

    I really think you are making the right decision, Pam. And it will be a joy to be near Mia and actually form a relationship with her, instead of being a person who visits from time to time.Obviously it is going to take a lot of effort to manage your stuff, deal with your property, etc. But it's worth it. Oh, and like dW said, be sure to take your computer along. πŸ˜€

  7. I_ArtMan says:

    good for you pam. πŸ’‘ maybe you can find someone in north dakota who will trade houses with you. i know many in the north are fed up with the long winters.

  8. cakkleberrylane says:

    I wish you all the very best with your move. Being close to your kids will have so many rewards, both for you and for them. I can just imagine how much easier it would be to get closer to that beautiful little granddaughter if you were living where you could see her so much more often.As for ND, yes it will be cold and there will be snow, but unless you have a long driveway and daily commitmnents, it may not be too bad. And – you'll have a son-in-law to help when necessary.Keep us posted on your move. I hope it's an exciting and happy one!

  9. edwardpiercy says:

    I can very well understand your feelings. A person can live in a huge city and still be very much alone. If you are going to move you'd better get yourself one of these. Because you won't be in Kansas Phoenix anymore. :DI hope everything works out for you for the move. Great idea for the house swap thing, too. But considering what the property value difference between Phoenix and Fargo is I would ask for some cash too.

  10. edwardpiercy says:

    Those are Arctic Goose parkas. Probably the best as far as I've heard. Not cheap, but when it's -17 F you probably won't care about having spent the money! :p I was going to buy one in grad school — never did get there, though. πŸ˜₯

  11. kentsopera says:

    Hey Pam, if I can move to Norway from Connecticut at age 54, then a tough lady like you can move from Arizona to North Dakota at whatever age. You have a loving family waiting for you and no language differences to deal with, remember – each of us must evaluate how much we are willing to give up, in order to get what we believe we really want. Arizona is undergoing some turmoil and your two friends are soon gone, plus a bit of possible house profit and memories is what your giving up, in order to get nearer to your family and save yourself long trips to be with them – that trip is going to be tougher as the unstoppable years pile up and it costs too. Also, look at all the fresh new memories you'll make with your growing family. Just do it and follow the instincts that tell you it is the right thing to do. Originally posted by derWandersmann:

    Make sure you take your computer with you!

    So we all can encourage you and keep contact with your progress.Originally posted by I_ArtMan:

    good for you pam. maybe you can find someone in north dakota who will trade houses with you. i know many in the north are fed up with the long winters.

    Originally posted by debplatt:

    Obviously it is going to take a lot of effort to manage your stuff, deal with your property, etc. But it's worth it.

    Your going to be there before next Winter, and good moving!:happy:

  12. PainterWoman says:

    Originally posted by kentsopera:

    Arizona is undergoing some turmoil and your two friends are soon gone

    In more ways than one Kent. I still love my state and it has much to offer. But my new state is awaiting me. It will be great if I can get there before the winter. Otherwise, I'll have to wait till March or April of next year. I don't want to.

  13. PainterWoman says:

    Originally posted by edwardpiercy:

    Those are Arctic Goose parkas

    I think that's what my daughter's is.

  14. Stardancer says:

    I'm so happy for you, Pam, that you will be able to be with your granddaughter and watch her grow up, and be a big part of her life. It's very important that children know their grandmas.Good luck with the move, and may everything go smoothly.:smile:

  15. PainterWoman says:

    Originally posted by edwardpiercy:

    A person can live in a huge city and still be very much alone.

    Exactly Ed. If I was still going to school, I'd still be around people and enjoying myself. It probably wouldn't enter my mind to move. But now, haven't been in school for going on three years now. I'm alone way too much. Yes, my son and my siblings are here, but something is missing. And, yes, I'll definitely be getting one of those parkas. I might barter with my daughter and buy her lime green one. That's one of my favorite colors.

  16. Dacotah says:

    Pam, just think of how great it will be to see your granddaughter grow. You won't be lonely anymore. :)Hope we can meet after you get settled.

  17. PainterWoman says:

    Originally posted by Stardancer:

    be a big part of her life

    Thanks Star. That's what I want very much. My daughter wants that too.Originally posted by derWandersmann:

    get yourself a nice Hudson's Bay Company blanket and tear it up

    πŸ˜† That's great dW. I'd get one of those coon skin hats too but a fake one. I don't think I could wear a dead animal on my head.

  18. slackwrdave says:

    I moved across country once to your neck of the woods. It was frightening at first, but it went ok. I really enjoyed Tempe, AZ and could live there again, I think. Once the college degrees were got, lol, we ended up coming back to NC. Oh well.I hope it all goes well for you. I think it will.

  19. L2D2 says:

    OK, Pam, hadn't got around to reading this when I asked that question on my blog. I know it will probably feel strange to you after all your years in Az., and there will be adjustments you have to make, but I think the rewards will be worth any hassle or hardship caused by the move. Have you considered listing your house on the internet? Lots of people buy homes from listings online. Someone may just be dying to trade Az. sunshine for N. Dakota ice and snow. That will be your biggest item of concern because of the economy stinking so badly. But, maybe you will end up on the p;ositive side.Where will you live in Dakota? Will you buy? Rent? Might consider an apt. that you don't have to do upkeep or maintenance.Anyway, I'm happy for you, and can't see anything wrong about your decision. You need to be with family who loves you. And you need to be Grandma on a regular basis.

  20. PainterWoman says:

    Carol: It will be great once I'm there. The visiting for a few days and always having to leave makes me so sad. Once I get settled, for sure we'll have to meet. Isn't Grand Forks about half way to Bismark? Maybe we could meet there, have lunch or something. I'm sure my daughter wouldn't mind driving me and bringing along Mia. Kathy drove me there once to visit the University's art department and meet the department head to talk with him about a master's program. Financially, that is out of the question though. Dave: Yeah, moving cross country is going to be huge. Just wish I was a bit younger. I may have to drive a 24 ft. U Haul with a trailer behind it hauling my car all my myself. Plus, I'll have two old dogs that will have to go every few hours. One of them, remember is blind. I'm worried how all this will affect her. I never was really gutsy but I'm even less so now. I'll bet you had a blast in Tempe. That's one hoppin town. Linda: I'm meeting with a realtor on Friday and, depending on what she says, I'll decide what to do. I'll mention to her the house swapping thing too….er…maybe I won't. She wouldn't get a commission. I'll hopefully live in Fargo, or in one of the tiny towns 15 or 20 minutes out. We took a drive to one….Barnesville, Farmville…or something like that…population can't remember, but very small. Darling town. The houses are cheaper outside of Fargo. Would never live in an apartment again. I need a home with a fenced yard but smaller than what I have now. My lot here is large compared to the home and I've kept it up nicely. I just dread what the realtor is going to say about the inside….cabinets half finished painted…..and, of course, the floor. I just cannot finish all this by myself.

  21. debplatt says:

    Originally posted by PainterWoman:

    Linda: I'm meeting with a realtor on Friday and, depending on what she says, I'll decide what to do. I'll mention to her the house swapping thing too….er…maybe I won't. She wouldn't get a commission.

    Typically when you sign with some realtor to represent your house, you are contractually bound to give them a percent of the sales price whether or not they are actually involved in the final sale. If you want to both list a house and consider a house swap, you will probably have to be up front with the realtor and specify in the contract that they will get no commission if you arrange to do a house swap. Another thing to keep in mind… when you are presented with the boiler-plate contract, it usually says the contract is binding for some ridiculous period of time. I always make them change this to 3 months so I have the option of going with a different realtor if I want to at this point in time. Almost any realtor with a big company will present you with some "standard" contract that was developed by his/her company. They will make you feel that you have to sign on to it as written, or that it is simply what's done in the local industry or whatever. Ignore this pressure. In fact, I never sign the contract while they are still sitting there. I tell them I'll take the contract and get back with them later, so I can really think about what it is I'm agreeing to, and I consider what, if anything, I want to change about the terms of the agreement.

  22. ellinidata says:

    you have been missed Pam :love:I am glad you are well :up:

  23. Phantom2 says:

    Wow….what a change this is going to be! But who can fault someone for seeking happiness? I'm glad to see you follow your heart. Change is good, especially if you don't have inconvenience someone else to make it happen. Much happiness come your way, I say! And congrats on the smoking thing…been a year for me. Wish I'd have done it years ago.

  24. slackwrdave says:

    Originally posted by PainterWoman:

    I may have to drive a 24 ft. U Haul with a trailer behind it hauling my car all my myself. Plus, I'll have two old dogs that will have to go every few hours.

    I did that minus the dogs. The truck, mine was a Ryder, and the car/trailer handled quite well and was easy to drive. I'd get it for several days more than you think you'll need it so you have time to get used to it and won't have to hurry on the road.Unless you're an expert trailer backer-upper (I finally am now but wasn't then), resolve to not use reverse the entire way. I got all the way from NC to AZ, and back, never reversing more than a few feet ever. Look for the big gas stations that you can pull through. Eat at places next to shopping centers with ample parking lots. Towing a car, the truck will use fuel rapidly. Get fuel just as it goes under a half so that you're not forced into some dinky station out of necessity. The big roomy truck stops are great even though you'll be using the also roomy auto gas islands out front. It will all work out! Be a reverse-gear chicken, lol. It will save your nerves. πŸ˜† As for the dogs, that's a whole other thing. You're going to have to make a big provision for them. The first thought is how to keep them cool when you need to step away from the truck for a little while. You'll probably need a plan and a backup plan. You'll come up with something. :up: Light sedatives from the vet are an option to reduce road stress. Talk with the doctor.

  25. thaodp says:

    Good luck on the move, Pam. aww, thinking of being there with little Mia :love:

  26. NLDH says:

    I support your decision, Pam, and I think you do the right thing to move closer to your Mia and her family. I know, you still have so many things to take care of but everything will be fine. Someday, you will enjoy the snow and you will find N.D is your home sweet home. You are never alone. I always think of you and always wish you all the best of the best :love:You looked so lovely in the photo even though you turned your face away :DP/S: Congratulation on quiting smoking. It's good for your health πŸ™‚

  27. ellinidata says:

    Pam, I am delighted to hear that,you are going to be closer to your grand child and daughters :love:I feel your decision it's very wise. I can not imagine being lonesome. Days will be too long and unbearable! Even a colorful and creative person like yourself, can become depressed if continue living alone…I am excited for you,I know before the year is over, you will start painting a portrait of the little one :happy:Selling a house can be stressful, put sometimes luck can come knocking unexpected!I will be praying that your place sells fast!With Opera available everywhere, I know you will be just one screen away from us no matter where you live … :happy: Go for it Pam! Any change can feel scary BUT, you have done more difficult things than moving and you came out a winner! :heart: Good Luck!! Please keep us posted when it is possible :love:

  28. derWandersmann says:

    Originally posted by PainterWoman:

    I don't think I could wear a dead animal on my head.

    Better than a live one.

  29. PainterWoman says:

    Deb: Thanks for the helpful contract info. I am always reluctant to sign anything on the spot and never do. Keeping the contract over night to peruse it closely is a very good idea. And I'm sure I will mention to the realtor the house swapping idea, also the renting. Right now all options are open.Angeliki: I missed being on here too but since I quit smoking, I was crabby for the first month and didn't want to talk about it. Just talking about it made me irritable then I'd crave a cigarette. Staying away from the pc was my only option.

  30. DpRabbit says:

    One more VOTE from me for your move, Pam. It is a big change but it is good being around your Little Granddaughter and family. :heart: Wish you all the BEST! :love:

  31. PainterWoman says:

    dW: For sure better than a live one. I grew up with cats and when they were little, I remember carrying them on my head. They like to cling to your scalp. Hahahha…..Angeliki: I am excited too and keep visualizing myself already there and walking out onto my porch to sip coffee and look at the snow. Unless there's a blizzard, I'll probably still do that……maybe. I also see myself doing paper and paint collages with Mia. I'll find a good use for my dad's collection of National Geographics yet.

  32. PainterWoman says:

    Rabbit: Thanks for the vote. Being around my family and granddaughter is the right place for me to be. I know it and can feel it.

  33. Dacotah says:

    Hi Pam, here's a map of NDhttp://geology.com/cities-map/north-dakota.shtmlI live in Minot, Grand Forks is to the East of me and North from Fargo. It doesn't take long to get to Grand Forks from Minot. We could meet in Devils Lake at the casino. :)We will figure it out once you get settled. Does your daughter go to the State Fair? It's held in Minot. πŸ™‚

  34. PainterWoman says:

    P2: Yes, change is good. I few years ago I was not ready and would never have considered it. But now…..get the wagon wheels rolling!Congrats on the one year not smoking for you.Dave: Hahaha…. not an expert trailer backer upper. Although I got very good at driving my old GMC extended cab van. You should have seen me parallel park that monster. With a trailer, there'd have to be much practice in large empty parking lots. Sort of what my son did when he got his CDL to drive the diesel trucks. Good idea about the light sedatives for the dogs. Camie, the old blind Keeshond is excellent riding in the car. She's very calm so I'm not worried about her except for her health. CJ, the Min Pin, I would definitely have to crate. Even at 11 yrs old, she's like a whirling dervish in the car. She'd get the sedative.

  35. PainterWoman says:

    Mit: Oh, I know….thinking about being around my daughter and Mia makes my heart sing. My son in law is a sweetie too. It is a joy to see them with Mia. L.D.: I think it's the right decision too. If I think of all the things I have to do at once, I get overwhelmed. Then I sit down, sip some coffee and relax. One day at a time, one packed box at a time. Having this time, I'm labeling everything too.

  36. claudeb says:

    I've been living in the same home for 28 years now, and getting worried that when I'll have to move for some reason it will be exceedingly hard. You're very brave, Pam, and I think being close to your children will be worth it. Be safe!

  37. PainterWoman says:

    Carol: Thanks for the map. For some reason I thought you were in Bismarck. Couldn't for the life of me find Minot but I'll look at the map again later with better glasses on.Felix: Moving is hard for sure. I'm trying to remember and I think I've moved 7 times in my life time. Moving to North Dakota will be the 8th. When I was younger it was much easier and didn't need to take short rests all the time. In fact, I did it one day a couple of times. But yes, you're right. It will be worth it.

  38. Frlmnk says:

    I think it would be good for you to be with your family, Pam. Ultimately, it's your decision but, you sound fairly conflicted about being separate from your loved ones. Your won't be any further from your memories there than in Arizona. No need to make them any heavier or, any lighter for that matter. How much are your mortgage payments? :jester:

  39. Dacotah says:

    You are welcome Pam, Minot is North of Bismark and West of Grand Forks.

  40. PainterWoman says:

    Tom: Yes, it will be good for me to be there with my daughter and her family. Even though I have my son, his wife, and my brother and sister here in Phoenix, there is a very strong pull for me to move. Since my divorce 13 years ago, I have missed my daughters greatly. Seeing them once a year just is not enough. Plus, I work for my ex here so I'll have to be looking for a part time job in North Dakota. Babysitting my granddaughter would be some income. My daughter insists on paying me if I did it all day. My mortgage payment? I'm not sure I should say but it is $450 per month, half or one fourth what a lot of people are paying. I think I got a good deal on my house in 1997 BUT the housing market has dropped the valuation $20,000 less than what I paid. More than likely, I will take a loss. Especially if the realtor tells me I MUST finish the floors and cabinets. We shall see. Carol: Thanks for marking Minot for me. I'd looked again yesterday and still couldn't find it. Devil's Lake looks to be exactly half way. My son in law has a brother who lives there and the wife was my daughter's best friend growing up in Phoenix.

  41. Frlmnk says:

    88888888888888888889? :confused: :whistle:That's a long scroll to get down to this box. I haven't even read you reply yet. I'm on the city bus. Message me if you want but depending on the proxy (I think) this soft ware behaves as it wants. Get back to you later.

  42. Frlmnk says:

    No, I don't think you should say it. :irked:I don't even want to admit on here I couldn't just takeover. πŸ˜† that would be more gentlemanly. Just getting off and am back. Take care whatever you do.

  43. Dacotah says:

    You are welcome Pam. πŸ™‚

  44. Suntana says:

    So, what was your imaginary friend's name in that Pic, Pam?

  45. Suntana says:

    TOING! :eyes:OMG! Wow! That is quite a bombshell … not just a little water balloon. Sure it is a HUGE-mongous change, but at least it isn't the mother of huge moves. You're NOT moving to the other side of the galaxy with no family there. You are at least moving to somewhere where :sing: someone knows your name … and they're always glad you came. It sounds like after several trips over to ND, you HAVE done some serious, careful, detailed evaluating of your feelings regarding where you live now vs. how you pass your days when you're over in ND. While you do have family there in Arizona, it sounds like for whatever reason, you have no doubts that you'd enjoy happier days, more fun times over in ND. Do It! :headbang: :sing: Stayin' AliveStayin' AliveHah Hah Hah HahStayin' Alive ……

  46. PainterWoman says:

    Tom: I will take care, thank you. Were you on the city bus in Phoenix? Wish I'd read this yesterday. I would have bought you lunch somewhere. Carlos: Yes, the times I spend there are more happy times it seems. Being around a baby is such a joy and my daughter and I always had such a close relationship. This is just a change I think I need.Hmmmm…..imaginary friend? You know, I used to talk to my fingers when I was little. They were each little people. It almost looks like that is what I'm doing while holding on to the swing doesn't it? My mom always said I was such a good little girl because I was so quiet and could entertain myself for hours….talking to my fingers, dolls, bugs, birds, leaves…..you know, things imaginative/creative souls do I guess.

  47. Frlmnk says:

    No, Tucson. About 5 miles and a laundry day away from where I'm at now. 😎 sittin' in the shade right now though. Unsubscribing; but you can all keep the party line going if you want. I said my share. πŸ™‚

  48. Weatherlawyer says:

    Originally posted by I_ArtMan:

    maybe you can find someone in north dakota who will trade houses with you. i know many in the north are fed up with the long winters.

    Pam's ideal is convincing her Daughter and son in law to move to Arizona.What is pissing her off, I'll bet, is that the problems are monetary and it would take such a little more to help sort it out.I am glad I can't offer advice. I'd like to jack in and just plod the coast of Britain with a couple of dogs and an horse for the last of my days on this planet.Then again we are supposed to be "struggling to get in through the narrow door" without knowing what door, where it is and what lies behind it.

  49. PainterWoman says:

    I just hope there's room in the moving truck for an old gate, a sink with a cactus in it, my 15 orange stepping stones, a wrought iron garden archway, my tree trunk table and…….oh dear, I just remembered there's stuff in the small shed too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s