My Mother, Myself

My mother, myself,
your sadness is mine.
I’ll bury it for you,
for you could not.
It buried you instead.

It killed you slowly,
excruciatingly slowly.
All of us around you
lost ourselves
in the midst of our quest
to keep you alive.

You were the strong one in the end
and said you were ready
for the gleams in their eyes.

Upside down my life went when you died.
Where did it go?
Inside, tormenting my insides.

Back and forth my brain went.
Where did it go?
Outside, leaving me clueless.

My art went inside, upside down.
Where did it go?
Through the blood in my veins to my very soul.

Your thoughts and your pain demanded to be free.
Where did they go?
From my soul, through my brain, to my hand with a brush,

I let it go.

by Pamela 2006

I wrote the above poem for my one person art show in March of 07 that was a tribute to my mother but also a catharsis for me. I'll post the paintings later along with my artist statement. The pic is from Christmas 1998, her last. She was holding a porcelain doll I had given her because she always wanted one. She died October 1999. I still get goose bumps reading this.

About pam

I am retired from real 9 to 5 jobs. I do my artwork and occasionally write poetry. In September 2010, I moved to Fargo, ND after spending 60 years in Phoenix, Arizona. Now, five years later, July 2015, I'm back in Arizona. And yes, I love the heat!
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17 Responses to My Mother, Myself

  1. I_ArtMan says:

    people die. my mother dying didn't affect me as much as my father dying. he died 1998 about two years after my mother. then my stepmother died and finally, my stepfather, who i also loved, died. it was devastating. my wife of 34 years had just set me free and then everyone ahead of me died. it hurts when people disappear. but when the confusion clears, we are much more grown-up than we were before.at least that was my experience.your poem conveys that in the line: "Upside down my life went when you died.Where did it go?Inside, tormenting my insides."and we get through it. or not.

  2. Unasia says:

    Pamela. I think and use the belief, that the best parts, the memories still remain. I close my eyes and my lost loved ones are there. We morn for our own loss, and the best tribute is to feel enhanced by the time they spent with us.This was poignant, beautifully and truthfully offered

  3. PainterWoman says:

    Thanks Scott and Clance. My mother's passing did a number on me. We were very close but a number of other things happend during the last year of her life. It was like an avalanche. I won't go into it all on here. I couldn't look at her belongings for almost five years. Then when I started going through old photos, I discovered she had a child in high school. That started a two and a half year search on the Internet and hundreds of phone calls to people in Indiana, Kansas, Georgia and I don't remember where else. I wrote numerous letters too to people I didn't even know. Finally had a breakthrough and I met my 'lost sister' March of 06. She lives near Orlando, Florida.

  4. I_ArtMan says:

    great story. and good for you. that was the right thing to do.

  5. cajunlayde says:

    Your poem is lovely, touching and soul searching. I believe it strikes a chord for many of us. Thank you for sharing it here! :yes: It may help many others.

  6. PainterWoman says:

    You're welcome and thanks for the compliment. The words to this poem came very fast. I almost couldn't write fast enough and my heart was pounding. When I stopped and read it out loud to myself, I got the shivers all over. I don't think I changed a single thing. It was perfect for my art show.

  7. I_ArtMan says:

    that's what i call inspired. you know when the heart is activated to work harmoniously with the body and the head, that's a kind of a miracle, i think.

  8. cajunlayde says:

    When you share what you believe, then you have shared your true feelings. There can be nothing so sacred or revealing. It is a gift beyond measure. Thank you for allowing us to share in these feelings. As Artman says, it is a miracle. Nothing is so important as that. I am sure that we all wish to share in such a miracle, and we hope that we will, in time.

  9. Susthama says:

    hmmm, goosebumps, yes I can imagine it having that effect on you – it's poignant and very personal, thank you.

  10. PainterWoman says:

    Thank you Scott and cajunlayde and you're welcome Susthama.

  11. thesamanyolu says:

    Hi my friend Pamela. people die…. And my dad died. And my dad I'm measing he is… Why is he go? I LOVE YOU MY DAD… :awww: 😦 😥 😥 😥 My friend Pamela, thank you for sharing it here!:love: :up:

  12. PainterWoman says:

    Thank you for visiting Thesamanyolu.:happy: Yes, when you are very close to someone, it is hard when they die.:awww:

  13. thesamanyolu says:

    😦 :awww: But longing pain, alive-alive to feel pain… 😥 😥 😥 Oh my god very difficult …. but I have a doughter :love: for to lean necessary!… :flirt:

  14. PainterWoman says:

    The pain will go away in time. It did for me. It has been ten years since my Mom died but I think of her often :love: and remember her smile :happy: or something sweet she said. I have two daughters and a son. It is wonderful to have them.:love:

  15. thesamanyolu says:

    Yes, Pamela. :love: For you in words thanks. You too in occur to pain casualties I was worried. :awww: May your life be spared my friend.:( We have Mom. :heart: Yes, your rigth. 'The pain will go away in time.'

  16. DpRabbit says:

    It is sad that we have to suffer the loss of our love. Your poem is very touching. :love: Originally posted by PainterWoman:

    I think of her often and remember her smile or something sweet she said.

    :love: :love: She's still around you, I believe.

  17. PainterWoman says:

    Originally posted by DpRabbit:

    She's still around you, I believe.

    I believe she is too. Thank you Dp.

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